i already hear my dad disowning me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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