whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
