I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
