I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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