She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize