You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
