I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
