2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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