can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
