I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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