Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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