that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
