I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
