I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
