it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
