She is in my trunk
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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