Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
