I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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