After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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