No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize