So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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