I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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