Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
