so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
