Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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