Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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