I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dick very happy bro
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
