i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
