This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
