i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
