me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
