highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
