he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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