You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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