Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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