what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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