found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
