If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
