First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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