My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
