remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
