if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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