Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
