cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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