Texts From Last Night

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  (301): View more from Maryland

  she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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  (301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying (203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she http://tfl.nu/l9o1
  Replies (34) Good night (4572) Bad night (900)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.

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  (505): Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear. http://tfl.nu/zxhr
  Replies (45) Good night (648) Bad night (2931)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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  (614): halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday' http://tfl.nu/p489
  Replies (62) Good night (2468) Bad night (24385)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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  (403): Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice. http://tfl.nu/ol36
  Replies (10) Good night (3481) Bad night (1018)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.

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  (507): i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined. http://tfl.nu/05lw
  Replies (5) Good night (2620) Bad night (1021)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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  (248): we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies http://tfl.nu/8d5i
  Replies (10) Good night (1820) Bad night (871)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

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  (406): Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls http://tfl.nu/v5lo
  Replies (7) Good night (1865) Bad night (726)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.

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  (252): Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master. http://tfl.nu/donr
  Replies (7) Good night (1102) Bad night (1766)
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  (754): View more from Florida

  Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.

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  (754): Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam. http://tfl.nu/he4s
  Replies (35) Good night (1186) Bad night (2389)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen

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  (705): I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen http://tfl.nu/714w
  Replies (5) Good night (1060) Bad night (681)
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  (909): View more from California

  I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

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  (909): I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji... http://tfl.nu/rxc7
  Replies (5) Good night (813) Bad night (338)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".

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  (309): Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail". http://tfl.nu/i687
  Replies (9) Good night (946) Bad night (326)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?

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  (843): This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded? http://tfl.nu/dc2w
  Replies (3) Good night (658) Bad night (261)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

  (618): View more from Illinois

  dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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  (270): i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast. (618): dude, she han solo'd you. keep her. http://tfl.nu/viok
  Replies (2) Good night (1464) Bad night (262)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook

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  (610): So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook http://tfl.nu/uied
  Replies (1) Good night (208) Bad night (468)

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