Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
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