What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
