# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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