Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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