When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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