I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
