Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
