dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
