walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
