I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
