just come out here and I will go home with you...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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