Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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