if you like me you must not know who I am
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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