You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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