seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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