he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
